When Crack Bunnies Attack
by MoonStarDutchess
Summary: A collect of crack fics from the warped section of my brain. Guaranteed to make you laugh, chuckle, or yell WTF? Rated M for some crude humor and language. Royai and military dogs centered fics.
1. Enter The Crack

**When Crack Bunnies Attack **

**Author: MoonStarDutchess**

**Chapter 1: Enter The Crack **

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA but I am 95 percent responsible for the character massacres that may occur in this series. The other 5 percent goes to the people that inspire such fics (cough)Nature9000, KurissymaSanTybalt and PicklestheGreat(cough)**

**AN: Don't worry; this is the only self-insert of the bunch. . . I hope. I don't like to write myself.**

* * *

**Enter The Crack **

"Do I have to?" Riza said, in a rare whiny tone, looking up from the letter that MoonStarDutchess passed to her.

"Yes, you know that using a chapter as an author's note is against rules. Therefore, I have to have some kind of fic with the characters in it that way it doesn't go against the rules. Got it?"

"You write lemons and songfics. Isn't that against the rules," Riza questioned. MoonStarDutchess' eyebrow twitched.

"If you don't read the letter I will write Royed. . . Or better yet. . . Havocai."

Riza paled then narrowed her eyes, "You wouldn't dare?" she questioned.

MoonStarDutchess opened her word document. "Try me."

"All right I believe you, I will read it."

"Great!" MoonStarDutchess said and left the room.

Riza sighed and began to read.

**"Dear readers,**

**I have noticed that I've been writing many a crack fic lately and have decided to start this collection called "When Crack Bunnies Attack." This will not be updated on a regular basis but will be updated whenever crack bunnies attack me. Anything goes in these fics and I warn you that eating and drinking during some of these stories may be hazardous to your health and/or your computer screen."**

"Isn't all of your writing hazardous?" Riza muttered, looking up from what she was reading. "I mean, you've had me blow my brains out several times and. . ."

"Just read it Hawkeye." MoonStarDutchess yelled from the other room.

"But doesn't what I've all ready read state enough?"

"I see Havocai bunnies. . . don't see many of those. It's a chunky one too. Could be a multi-chapter!"

"Okay okay!" she yelled and began reading once more.

**"I am putting them all together because I have a feeling that they will be numerous and I don't want my account littered with a bunch of crackfics that would be better compiled in once collection. Therefore, I hope you enjoy these fics that will be posted and review and add this collection to your favorites and alerts. Much love, MSD."**

Riza sighed and put down the letter. "I'm finished!" she said.

MoonStarDutchess walked into the room and smiled. "Thank you Hawkeye."

"No Havocai?"

"Are you kidding? I'd rather eat snot that write Havocai."

"Didn't need to know that but all right," she said and walked out. MoonStarDutchess sat back down at the desk and opened a word document to begin her English report that is causing her not to update as often as she'd like.

* * *

**AN: Hope you enjoy the collection. Please read and review.**


	2. Guide To Being First Lady

**When Crack Bunnies Attack **

**Author: MoonStarDutchess**

**Story II : A Guide to Being First Lady**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. **

**AN: I think the rules on this list would be enough to get Riza to say the words contained in this. It would me.**

**M for crude humor and language. **

* * *

**A Guide to Being First Lady**

Riza was sitting up in bed with a pen and a pad. Her husband was sleeping softly beside her. She sighed. A women's magazine wanted her to write an article on being first lady and someone accepted for her.

"I don't know anything about writing an article like this," Riza said. She growled and started to write, letting everything that had been bothering her about the job out on paper.

Well, I am Mrs. Riza Mustang, first lady of Amestris. I'd heard that being first lady of any country was hard work but being in the military for all these years, I thought that aspect was intensely exaggerated. I was wrong. It is actually hard work. Not because of the rules that I must follow but because of the stupid idiots that surround my husband and I. I'd say that if you'd combine them, they wouldn't have the IQ of 100.

Anyway, there are a lot of dos and don'ts that one must follow. I am learning them as I go. But I was given a list of unknown mannerisms to follow. This is my summary of said do's and don'ts on the list followed by my comments.

**------------------------------ **

**1. Make sure your teeth are always showing in a smiling attitude unless the event warrants a different emotion.**

This means act like a cheerleader unless someone gets their brains blow out, then I need to act like a child who's lost their kitten.

**2. Always wear low cut shirts during specific events to guide photographer's attentions away from the president who could possibly be picking his nose or adjusting his package.**

Roy doesn't pick his nose nor does he find public events an opportune time to adjust his man organs. The most disgusting thing he is likely to do is break wind and unless you want me to take my finger and plug his butt hole, it's not possible to disguise that. Besides, my finger up his butt would not only be disgusting it would most likely be inappropriate.

**3. Don't talk unless spoken to, then speak as less as possible to answer the questions that you may be asked.**

So basically shut the fuck up and be a nice little bit of eye candy aka act like Roy's previous girlfriends.

**4. Laugh at the appropriate times.**

Would shoving this list up the council's ass be an appropriate time to laugh?

**5. Don't lose your temper. The people of Amestris need to see that their First Lady is graceful and has a level head.**

So if someone makes me angry it wouldn't be a good idea to shove my .45 up his or her ass and shoot? I swear that I can do that gracefully.

**6. Keep your husband happy. A happy fuehrer is a good fuehrer.**

So I should screw him every time he wants some? Even on the office desk?

**7. Act feminine, you are a role model for all women. Show them that a woman should know her place behind her man.**

You sexist asshole. Obviously, a man came up with this shit. If you were here right now I would **_(censored for fan fiction)_**

Cut off your **(_edited for language_)** and shove it down your _**(Censored) **_ and then show you how we feel when we have the kind heart to blow your _**(restricted word)**_ you stupid_**(motherfucker)**_.

**8. The president is the head of the country and of the household. Remember that the man is the leader of the house.**

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

**--------------------- **

Riza wadded up the paper and threw it in the floor. She would make a real one in the morning. She turned off the lamp and scooted down in the bed. She would write a real one in the morning.

She started to doze off when Roy wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck. She knew all the tale-tale signs that Roy wanted to get laid. Well, she might as well practice number six. Besides, it might relieve some of her pent up aggression. She turned over on her back and kissed him.

Roy didn't want to get out of bed that next morning. He groaned as Riza shook him awake. He pulled her back down on the bed and cuddled her as if she was a giant teddy bear.

"Roy, get up," she said and pulled away. She got out of bed, grabbed some clothing and went into the bathroom to take a shower.

Roy groaned as he sat up on her side. He spotted a waded up piece of paper in the floor. Bending down, he scooped it up and straightened it out. As he began reading, his laughter got louder and louder. Riza, wondering what her husband was laughing at, got out of her shower and walked into the bedroom.

She blushed as she saw what he found.

"I like your comments on number six. Sex on my desk sounds fun," he said. "We should try that sometime."

He smiled widely when Riza blushed and went to finish her shower.

* * *

**AN: Hope you liked it. **


	3. Amestris Live Messenger Part 1

**Amestris Live Messenger (Part 1) **

**Authors: MoonStarDutchess and Nature 9000**

**Disclaimer: We don't own FMA but we do own the crack and usernames in this. **

**AN: Hello, my friend Nature and I bring you a crack fic written over Trillian Messneger. Remember there is OOCness (thought I hate that term) otherwise it wouldn't be a crack fic. Oh, and no offense to the Roy/Ed fan girls that we poke fun at. I am friends with several of them and know that you poke at us Royai fans as well. I am sure anyone that read this will get at least a chuckle from it. Also it had to be put in several parts since it was so long so this is part one.**

**Just a note: Then centered underlined parts are real life actions of the characters.  
**

* * *

**Amestris Live Messenger Part 1 **

**Amestris was buzzing with the latest addition to the world of computer messaging services. It was fast, reliable and a hell of a lot of fun. It enabled widespread communication among everyone and everyone was taking full advantage of it. Including the Amestris military and of course our favorite FMA characters.  
**

-

-

_**Dadaman signs on, invites Sparky horse to chat.**_

-

**Roy twitches as he realizes Maes somehow got his messenger name. He sighs and adds him.**

**-**

_**Dadaman has invited Sparkyhorse to photo share**_

_**Sparkhorse has denied the invite to photoshare**_

-

_**Dadaman has invited Sparkyhorse to fileshare**_

_**Sparkhorse has denied the invite to fileshare**_

-

**Dadaman: **AWWW Come on Sparky take the files. They are the latest pictures of Elecia.

**Sparkyhorse: **No, you shoved them in my face enough in real life. I don't need you shoving them in my face virtually too! Besides, don't you know that this is supposed to be used for matters of work not socialization?

-

_**Gunharpy enters the chat**_

-

**Gunharpy**_**: **_My thoughts exactly sir. Why in the hell are you on messenger when you are supposed to be doing your paperwork?

**Sparkyhorse: **How do you know I am on messenger?

**Gunharpy: **I am right across the room from you.

**Sparkyhorse: **Oh, I see. . . Well Maes is nagging me! It's not my fault if he gets me pissed off and annoyed.

**Gunharpy: **You are the one that installed this messenger service in the first place.

**Sparkyhorse: **You got it too --

**Gunharpy: **Only to keep tabs on you sir.

**Daddaman: **I am lost and forgotten.

**Sparkyhorse: **Shove any more pictures in my face and you will be.

**Gunharpy: **And unless you want to find a gun up your ass I suggest you get to work.

**Sparkyhorse: **Good notice. Oh, and Maes, stay the hell away from Envy until Fullmetal dies

**Gunharpy: **Have you been reading the script ahead again?

**Sparkyhorse: **Maybe

**Sparkyhorse: **Fullmetal doesn't die though yet then I become the star of the show! It's all about me baby!

-

_**Beansprout enters the chat.**_

-

**Sparkyhorse: **Oh crap!

**Beansprout: **The star of the show, huh?

**Gunharpy: **Well this is an interesting little script.

**Roy looks over his computer at Riza at her desk. One hand is on her key board and the other is holding a thick script. Roy sweatdrops before sitting**

** back in his seat and beginning to type on his keyboard once again.**

**Sparkyhorse: **What script would that be?

**Gunharpy: **The movie script.

**Sparkyhorse: **OH dear god I hate that.

**Gunharpy: **You certainly have a penchant for balloons.

**Sparkyhorse: **Hehe. . .

**Gunharpy: **BRB

**Sparkyhorse: **Uh oh. . .

**Riza walks over to Roy's desk, slaps him, then walks back to her own.**

**Gunharpy: **Back

**Sparkyhorse: **OUCH!That was really unnecessary.

**Gunharpy: **. . .

**Sparkyhorse: **Oh and Fullmetal, stay the hell away from me. Unlike what the movie and those Roy/Ed fan girls portrayed I wasn't waiting for you because we were in love.

**Daddaman: **OMG I DIE? I CAN'T DIE! THE NEW KODAK PHOTOSHARE CAMERA IS COMING OUT RIGHT AFTER I DIE!

-

**Sparkyhorse: **. . .

**Gunharpy: **. . .

**Beansprout: **. . .

**Sparkyhorse: **YOU DIE AND YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT MISSING A CAMERA?

**Gunharpy: **YOU DIE AND YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT MISSING A CAMERA?

**Beansprout: **YOU DIE AND YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT MISSING A CAMERA?

-

**Daddaman: **But it comes in three different colors and I will take beautiful pictures of Elecia!

**Beansprout: **Anyway, back to the script.Horseybastard, it isn't my fault they wrote the script like that!

**Sparkyhorse: **No, of course it isn't your fault. . . You. . . Gunharpy?

**Gunharpy: **Balloons. . .

**Sparkyhorse: **I hate balloons

**Gunharpy: **That doesn't change what you did

**Sparkyhorse: **Don't start with me, again, it isn't my fault they wrote the script like that.

**Beansprout: **That's my line.

**Sparkyhorse: **Shut it Fullmetal

**Gunharpy: **I should just say yes to that date with Havoc in the first place. At least he isn't balloon happy.

**Sparkyhorse: **What date?

-

_**Hotsmoker enters the chat**_

-

**Hotsmoker: **YES!! A DATE WITH RIZA!

**Sparkyhorse: **...Havoc...

**Hotsmoker: **Yes?

**Sparkyhorse: **BRB

**Hotsmoker: **Oh shit. . .

**Roy gets up, whacks Havoc upside the head then walks back to his desk.**

**Sparkyhorse: **Back now.

**Hotsmoker: **THAT HURT!

**Sparkyhorse: **You asked for it. No one but me is allowed to ask Riza out.

**Hotsmoker: **Don't hurt me!

**Sparkyhorse: **What I do will be nothing compared to what the Royai fans will do if you ask her out.

**Hotsmoker: **Oh crap. Not those rabid maniacs.

**Sparkyhorse: **Yes and remember those "rabid maniacs" are mostly the ones reading this right now.

-

_**Ilovesparkles enters the chat**_

-

**Ilovesparkles**: Hello I am here.

**Sparkyhorse: **Welcome whoever you are. Now maybe we will get some sanity with an outsider in the chat.

**Ilovesparkles: **Computer messaging services have been passed down the Armstrong line for generations.

**Sparkyhorse: **Maybe not. . .

**Beansprout**: I just noticed something.

**Sparkyhorse: **What's that?

**Beansprout: **WHY IN THE HELL IS THAT MY MESSENGER NAME?

**Sparkyhorse: **I think it's quite fitting.

**Beansprout:** BASTARD

-

_**Tinman enters the chat**_

-

**Beasprout:** Hey Al!

-

_**Metalgeargirl enters the chat**_

-

**Beasprout:** Bye Al

**Tinman: **He signed off Winry.

**Metalgeargirl:** EDWARD!

-

_**Metalgeargirl leaves the chat**_

-

**Tinman:** I'd better go help brother.

-

_**Tinman leaves the chat **_

_**Greenwithenvy enters the chat**_

-

**GreenwithEnvy: **I DIE!!

**Sparkyhorse: **Oh boy...another 'Oh my god I die' person

**GreenwithEnvy: **I get turned into a dragon and DIE. This isn't Eragon or Dragonheart! This is FMA! What kind of idiot writes crap like this? Why was this movie even made?

**Sparkyhorse: **Don't know, but it's got Riza upset

**Gunharpy: **-Mutters-

**Sparkyhorse: **See?

**GreenwithEnvy: **Damn. . . You are in trouble.

**Sparkyhorse: **Don't remind me.

**Gunharpy: **When you get back from your emoland you have _**a lot **_of explaining to do.

**GreenwithEnvy: OOOOOOO**

**  
Sparkyhorse: **What is it?

**GreenwithEnvy: **She put a lot in bold and italics. You are in trouble you stupid bastard.

**Sparkyhorse: **Screw the movie, manga, and anime. This is fan fiction, I can do what I want.

**Roy stands, walks over to Riza, pulls her from her chair and kisses her passionately.**

**Hotsmoker: **Whoa! There's a serious tongue tango going on.

**Roy pulls away, lets Riza go, and walks back to his seat.**

**GreenwithEnvy: **In your face Havoc.

**Sparkyhorse: **Back!

**Gunharpy: **Wow

**Daddaman: **YES ROY WILL GET MARRIED!

**Sparkyhorse: **Shut up Maes.

**Sparkyhorse: **Hey Maes, I've seem to dislocated the file on Scar, please go look for it.

**Maes: **Right

-

_**Daddaman leaves the chat.**_

_**Scarredsoul enters the chat**_

-

**Sparkyhorse: **Of all times...

**Scarredsoul: **DIE

**Sparkyhorse**: Busy at the moment.

**Gunharpy: **You can't kill him via pm Scar.

**Sparkyhorse: **Yeah...moron.

**Scarredsoul: **Crap

**Gunharpy: **You die in the series too you know.

**Scarredsoul: **What?... Oh well, at least I don't fall in love with a damn homunc-

**Sparkyhorse**: You are in love with her. Well at least the former her.

**Scarredsoul: **WHAT

**Gunharpy: **Yes

**Sparkyhorse: **Oh, and you lose your arms, Actually, that makes for easy defense against you.

**Gunharpy: **You lose your penis sir.

**Sparkyhorse: **I DO NOT!

**Sparkyhorse: **Sorry forgot the caps was on.

**Gunharpy: **From what I see when I take care of you, you do.

**Sparkyhorse: **Riza, look in your desk.

**Hotsmoker**: You put your penis in her desk?

**Sparkyhorse: **There's a ring, Havoc!

* * *

_**AN: Hope you enjoyed it. Please drop a review. Pt. 2 will be up soon. **_


	4. Amestris Live Messenger Part 2

**Amestris Live Messenger (Part 2) **

**Author: MoonStarDutchess and Nature 9000 **

**Disclaimer: We don't own FMA but we do own the crack and usernames in this. **

**AN: Hehe sorry about the wait. I sort of lost most of the version that nature and I wrote so I had to use what I remembered then make the rest up. **

**IMPORTANT: This is a crack fic! I can't believe how many people don't get that this is something for pure comedy. Fanfics can be crazy you know! (That was directed at two anon reviews I received.)**

**Warning: Vulgar language. **

**Just a note: Then centered underlined parts are real actions of the characters.**

* * *

**Amestris Live Messenger (Part 2)**

**Riza looks in her desk and pulls out a small velvet box. She opens it. **

**Hotsmoker: **Holy shit there is a ring!

**Gunharpy: **A magic decoder ring? Why do I need this?

**Sparkyhorse: **Decoder ring? BRB

**Roy walks over to her and looks over her shoulder to see that the ring is indeed a decoder ring. Roy growls and walks back over to his desk. **

**Sparkyhorse: **Crap, I must have given the real ring to that kid when I was eating those crackerjacks.

**Hotsmoker:** Smooth move sir.

**Sparkyhorse:** Shut up Havoc!

**Gunharpy:** Wait and ask me when you get back from your emoland.

**Scarredsoul:** Does that mean you'll go out with me until he gets back?

**Sparkyhorse:** NO! BRB

_**-**_

_**Sparkyhorse has signed out. **_

_**-**_

**Roy gets up and leaves the office**

**Gunharpy: **You are rather sexy and he will be gone for two years.I wouldn't be opposed to a bit more than that Scarred.

**Scarredsoul:** What the HELL? How did you get here so quick?

**Roy takes out his cell phone to use messaging.**

_**-**_

_**Sparkyhorse has signed in. **_

_**-**_

**  
****Sparkyhorse: **Magic of fanfiction.

_**-**_

_**Sparkyhorse has signed out. **_

_**-**_

**Roy turns off cell phone.**

**Scarredsoul: **OH SHIT! MY FOOT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO THERE!

_**-**_

_**Scarredsoul has gone idle because he has his foot up his ass. **_

_**-**_

**Roy comes back to the office, walks over to his desk, and sits down at his computer.**

_**-**_

_**Sparkyhorse has signed in. **_

_**-**_

**Sparkyhorse:** looks at what Riza said to scarred and growls. How could you say that?

**Gunharpy:** It's true; you will be gone, and he does have better muscles than you do.

**Sparkyhorse:** makes note to do some weightlifting So does Armstrong but you don't go after him.

**Ilovesparkles**: If the lieutenant would like, I can show her the skills that have been passed down the Armstrong line for generations

**Gunharpy:** sweatdrops I hate to admit it but I am a bit curious.

**Sparkyhorse:** WHAT? Armstrong, I order you to stay away from the lieutenant and go help Hughes with those files.

**Ilovesparkles**: Yes sir. . .

_**-**_

_**Ilovesparkles signs out. **_

_**-**_

**GreenwithEnvy: **HEHE

**Sparkyhorse: **What are you laughing at?

**Greenwithenvy: **You don't really need those files on scar dipshit. You know where he is and you just shoved his foot up his ass.

**Sparkyhorse: **Shuuuu It got them offline didn't it?

**GreenwithEnvy: **And they call me deceitful. . .

**Sparkyhorse: **Oh shut up or I will shove your head up your ass.

**GreenwithEnvy**: I've already had that done. It was the only way I could rid myself of Dante's ramblings.

**-**

**Evilpsychobitch enters the chat**

**-**

**GreenwithEnvy: Oh Shit! TTYL**

_**-**_

_**GreenwithEnvy signs off **_

_**-**_

_**Evilpsychobitch signs off **_

_**-**_

**Sparkyhorse:** He and Ed are such pussies for running away from women. Women are nothing to be afraid of!

**Hotsmoker:** Yeah! Women are nothing to fear for we are strong men and can overpower them.

**Sparkyhorse:** Yes, as I said, Pussies.

**Gunharpy:** You do know I am still here, right?

**Sparkyhorse:** Oh shit.

**Hotsmoker:** Oh crap! I hope she didn't read what we said about women that she could read if she scrolled up.

**Gunharpy:** scrolls up

**Sparkyhorse**: Oh that was a smart thing to say Havoc!

**Gunharpy:** Pussy huh? Well you won't be getting any for making that comment.

**Sparkyhorse:** I was going to get some?

**Gunharpy:** _**Was**_ being the key word sir.

**Sparkyhorse:** Awww come on, I'm sorry!

**Gunharpy:** Fuck you and your sexist behavior.

**Sparkyhorse:** Really?

**Gunharpy:** gives you a virtual glare No.

-

_**Cantopenmyeyes enters the chat**_

-

**Sparkyhorse:** Who the hell is that?

**Cantopenmyeyes:** It's me sir.

**Sparkyhorse:** That doesn't' really help.

**Cantopenmyeyes:** Brb

**Falman stands from his seat, goes over to Roy, and taps him on the shoulder. **

**He then goes back to his desk.**

**Cantopenmyeyes: **Back

**Sparkyhorse: **Welcome to the chat Falman.

**Cantopenmyeyes: **Thank you. I will have to agree with the Lieutenant. That was very sexist of you sir.

**Hotsmoker: **Okay, now who's trying to get into the Lieutenants pants? I mean it's not like we all haven't tried but Roy got the closest out of all of us.

**Sparkyhorse:** YOU WHAT? LIEUTENANT IS THIS TRUE?

**Gunharpy:** _**Tried **_being the key word sir.

**Hotsmoker:** Yeah cringes I wasn't able to pee without it burning for a week.

**Sparkyhorse:** That's my girl!

**Gunharpy:** Of course, Falman may have a better chance than any of you.

**Sparkyhorse:** WTF! WHAT DO YOU MEAN

**Hotsmoker:** WTF?

**Gunharpy:** He is more of a gentleman.

**Sparkyhorse:** IT'S FRATERNIZATION! HE ISN"T A COMMISSIONED OFFICER AND YOU ARE!

**Gunharpy:** I don't recall people having to know about it. I am sure we both can keep a secret. Right Falman?

**Cantopenmyeyes:** Yes ma'am.

**Sparkyhorse:** THAT DOES IT!

-

_**Sparkyhorse signs out**_

_**-**_

**Gunharpy: **Sir?

**Roy walks over to Riza, picks her up from her chair, and walks to the door. Falman and Havoc stand up to go over to the door. Falman opens it for Roy. As Roy leaves, Riza throws Falman and Havoc ten dollars each.**

**Havoc and Falman walk back over to their computers.**

**-**

_**Gunharpy has gone idle**_

**-**

**Can'topenmyeyes: **I think that worked out well.

**Hotsmoker: **Yes and we got ten bucks for helping her in addition to the fact that by the morning Roy won't be taking anymore girls from anyone.

**Cantopenmyeyes: **Right

**Hotsmoker: **Want to go grab a drink and try to pick up some women?

**Cantopenmyeyes: **Sure.

-

_**Hotsmoker signs off. **_

_**-**_

_**Cantopenmyeyes signs out **_

_**-**_

* * *

_**AN: Hope you laughed. That's the end of the instant messenger crack (thank goodness). I think I lost some brain cells. Now back to regular crack. **_

_** Next piece of crack preview: Riza has an encounter with two movie icons. Who? You have to wait and find out. **_


	5. A Lesson In Scary

**When Crack Bunnies Attack**

**Author: MoonStarDutchess**

**Chapter 5: A Lesson In Scary **

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or the movie icons in this chapter. **

**AN: This bunny has been lurking in my head for a while now. **

* * *

**A Lesson In Scary**

Riza Hawkeye sighed as she was walking home from work. She'd had to stop by the shop on the way home to pick up some groceries and now it was dark. The streetlights were all aglow making the surroundings look like something out of one of those studio horror movies.

Suddenly the standard creepy horror movie soundtrack began to play. She stopped and looked around her. "Since when does fan fiction have musical accompaniment?" She said aloud. Shrugging her shoulders, she continued to walk down the sidewalk in the direction of her home. That was when she heard footsteps behind her. She stopped and blinked. "Sound effects too? Fanfics really are going up in the world." She walked faster and faster and as she did the footsteps sped up and the music increased in both volume and beat. She finally stopped, dropped her bags, and frowned.

"All right, that does it! I've had enough. I am supposed to be in a Japanese anime and manga not in a horror film. You in the bushes come out! That goes for you behind the tree as well!"

A man wearing a white mask came out from behind the tree and at the same time, a man with a burnt face popped up out of the bush. "Get over here!"

"You aren't afraid of us?"

"Hell no; get over here!"

The two walked over to her like to kids being scolded. Their heads were lowered and their hands were behind their backs. The one in the white mask kicked a pebble as they made their way over to stand in front of her.

"You two are pathetic," she growled and they stayed silent. "The least you could do would be to take off that horrible background music. I mean all is quite then when you show up that music starts and its soooooo obvious that someone is going to die."

"But its standard," the man with the burned face said.

"What's wrong with your face?"

"Well. . . I went to attack some guy name Mustang a long long time ago and he did this."

Riza nodded. "You should have known better."

"Yeah," he said.

"What's your name?" she questioned, her eyes narrowed at the man. When he didn't answer she asked again in a louder tone.

"I asked you your name!" she snapped.

The burnt man ran behind the man with the mask.

"Freddy," he said timidly.

"Get back over here and stand on your own like a man," she scolded.

Freddy slowly moved out from behind his fellow horror movie icon and stood in front of Riza, not meeting her gaze.

"Now…you!" she said loudly, turning her head toward the masked man. He jumped and took a step back at the force of her voice. "What is your name?"

"I am the Phantom of the Opera," he said.

Freddy looked over at him as if he'd lost his head.

"Nice try, the Phantom is much sexier than you are," Riza said. "And he has a cool cape."

"Damn," he cursed lowly. "My name is Jason."

"Freddy? Jason? What the hell kind of horror names are those?" Riza questioned. "Those names sound like the names of Mouseketeers."

"I killed a Mouseketeer once… THEY DON'T BLEED!" Freddy said with wide eyes and a look of horror on his face.

"You should see the tellytubby blood. It looks like the ink from one of those gel ink pens! And Spongebob's blood…it was bubbly!" Jason exclaimed.

"Spongebob has blood?" Freddy questioned.

"Well, some kind of liquid left him when I cut him in two. Looked like soapy water."

"Soap? Really? Wonder what kind?"

"It had a very woodsy scent yet a fresh after rain smell that was really easy on the scent glands. It was quite lovely and refreshing but I just couldn't place it."

"Sounds like Irish Spring," Freddy said.

"Yeah come to think of it, that was-"

Riza, who'd had enough of their stupid conversation, interrupted. "That is enough! Look, you are lousy horror icons that have nothing on people like Dracula and Frankenstein. Hell, the mummy is scarier than you!"

They both looked down at the ground.

"You can only kill stupid and always beautiful people who only die because they made a really really dumb and oh so obvious mistake."

They looked back up at her.

"So we aren't scary?"

"Only to children and those with the fear mentality of children. Oh, and people in the 80's. You are just a tad bit creepy."

"What if I took my mask off and said in a monotone voice with my arms outstretched… BRAINS…" Jason asked.

"You would starve to death around here while hunting."

Freddy and Jason looked down. "So we are failures," Freddy said with a sniff.

"Yeah," Jason said.

"Okay, you two, look…" Riza said, feeling sorry for them. She retrieved a pen and paper from her purse and wrote down a name. She then handed it to them."

"What you need to do is take a right out of this anime, go back in the past 50 years, and find that guy. He can help you."

Freddy read the name. "Alfred Hitchcock?"

"Yes," she said with a nod.

"Thanks!" They both said happily running away like some kids that just got ice cream.

She picked up her groceries and made her way home, where she knew Roy would be waiting for her.

--

"Jason?" Freddy asked.

"Yes?"

"Did that woman make you piss your pants?"

"No, but she did make me shit myself."

"We should go change before we find that Hitchcock fellow."

"Good idea," Jason said.

"She was scary," Freddy said.

"Yes, yes she was."

* * *

**AN: As a child I never found Freddy and Jason to be that scary but my friends around me to this day are terrified of the movies. I don't get it. . . oh well. No offense to anyone is intended over my comment about childish fear. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. **


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